Firstly a shout out to Daniel Tay. Haha i actually did see your message on the previous post before i left. And i wanted to reply it, but i didn’t wanna reply it with just a “Hey im good now, thanks!” kinda thing. And it was super late already so i had to sleep to. So well, this post will be my reply too. And for the rest, it’s a lesson i think i’ve learnt and experienced.

Ya know the past 9 months has been really tough. Haha, i don’t know in how many of my posts this year that i’ve actually mentioned the same thing. Well only because it IS true! It has been oh so crazy. Everytime i think i’m better, the next thing that hits hurts even more, it hits even harder. Until the point where i just didn’t wanna desire for anything anymore. To the point where i seriously contemplated closing off my heart to the world.

So why close my heart? Well, it would at least spare my heart from having to withstand being disappointed again and again, being hurt again and again. Of course that’s not to say i have not done anything wrong, cause it does take both claps to hand most of the time. But by saving it the aches and pains seem very appealing.

Well then what is the other option? Well it would mean to continue opening up my heart. But at that point of time, keeping it open to disappointments, to hurts just seem to painful an option to consider. Really. It was almost unthinkable even though in my head, i know “duh” that is what i have to do. But i just wasn’t ready.

So then here are the two choices. To close off my heart and not be hurt externally and just exist. Or to continue opening my heart with the possibility of it getting hurt, but will then be actually living life. Well i surely wanted to just close off my heart, which would mean to close off God from my life since if my heart is closed off, God couldn’t come in too.
And it was just REALLY TERRIBLE. Hahah, i keep saying that because it really was in the pits for me.

So why was it so hard for me? Cause the most important thing in my life was being taken away. And if you don’t already know, relationships mean a lot to me. It felt as though the thing that i know is the most important thing on earth, which is supposed to be a good thing, is now removed from me. Friendships were “taken away”, i felt terribly disappointed with people, i was angry with God for all these, i felt rejected, am i loved by God, and the list could really go on. I asked “My life was GOOD before i met this and this person. WHY then do you allow me to meet them when you know they would leave in the end, and that would hurt me???”

Well whether it was my fault, the other person’s fault, well that wasn’t the main point. I was very angry with God for just allowing all these to happen. Does it mean i was never in the wrong? Of course not. But it just hurt so bad.
And feeling the lack of initiative from people to help me through the emotions and just walk alongside me hurt me even worse. Then a friend told me the story of Jesus at the garden of Gethsemane. She mentioned that over there, it was a place where olives were crushed for the fragrance to come out. And Jesus was also crushed to a point where He cried out to God “If You are willing, let this cup pass from me. Yet not my will but Yours be done”. Even though Jesus brought the 3 disciples with Him, i believe He felt so alone. And my friend said i probably was also going through a similar experience. Well i knew it in the head, but it was so hard to bring it down to the heart..

As the date of my trip to Taiwan closed in, the emotions were less intense, and i was just really tired from all the internal turmoil and unsettledness. But through an altar call, where i realized, that deep down, really very deep down beyond all the hurts and questions, that i really still loved God.. I really did. And that was the start of my breakthrough as i sobbed at the altar.

Many things happened after that, nothing dramatic, but all of them contributed to me at where i am now. To be truthful to this post and not digress, i will then talk about what i learnt and what happened in the end. I was reading this book written by Jon Eldridge called Desire (thanks Jialin again!!). And something he said struck a chord in me, because maybe that was really what i was going through It talks about surrender.

Firstly, “God must take away the heaven we create, or it will become hell”, and in this case it was my relationships.Then of course i thought, but there’s nothing wrong with relationships what… Why does it have to be this way? I do commit them to You too don’t I???? But i guess somewhere along the line, relationships became more important in some ways..
So secondly the 1 that really struck me was this “We place on he altar something very dear to us, something innocent, whose only danger is in its goodness, that we might come to love it too much.“

Is there anything wrong with relationships? Nope. But i think i held on too tight to it. Something good was in danger of becoming my hell when i love it too much. At the end before i left for Taiwan however, i slowly was able to believe God’s good intentions toward me, and His love for me. And through that i was slowly able to let go. It took a long time, but yes i slowly did. I believe it’s a lifelong process, having different things to let go. But this was a major step for me. The interesting thing was when i was able to let go, i realized at the last 2 weeks before i left, i had deeper friendships with more people, and the farewell. WAO. That’s how i would describe it. I was sincerely very touched by every single person there, and the gifts and cards and WAO. =)

As I learnt to let go, God was able to give it to me cause now it wasn’t something that i would come to love too much. My encouragement to anyone who might be going through a similar time. Hang in there! If you can’t run ferevently now, just stand firm. If you can’t stand, just sit. If you can’t sit, just lie down. You can contemplate giving up, you can think all you want. Go through your emotions please. Allow people to help you through cause they will be your “lifeline” so to speak. Really. Don’t do this alone. And when you come out from it,

Isaiah 40:31 “but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

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